Birthday
by JillyMcBop
Summary: Tara's birthday comes around, and Willow struggled to spend it without her for the first time in three years. Willow and Buffy friendship heavy, angst. Brief reference to implied suicide.


Willow gazed dolefully out at the October rain that beat forcefully against her bedroom windows and sighed. Not because of the rain. Because it was raining _today_. It had rained yesterday anyway. Tara's flowers needed sunshine. Especially today.

But if there was only one thing that Willow had learned from life so far it was that nothing goes as planned. Your whole life can change in a minute. Sometimes it only took a second. One cruel second.

And that was why she sighed.

Her gaze shifted from the window to her dresser, and it came to rest on a framed photo which was carefully placed on top in the center. The photo was of her and Tara sitting on a park bench, backed by a flaming pink and gold sunset on the horizon. There was just enough light to see their faces. Willow walked over to the dresser and wistfully studied the photo while stroking the side of the picture frame with her finger. That photo had been taken a little over a year ago. So much had changed since then.

Today was Tara's birthday. She had only spent two birthdays with Tara. If only she had realized that the second time would be the last. Willow smiled at the memories from both times. The Scoobies sure knew how to throw parties. Even though she tried to avoid being the center of attention, Willow knew that had Tara enjoyed both of them very much. Seeing the smile on her face made her swell with happiness. In spite of the good memories, Willow's nostalgic smile didn't last long. There was a growing ache in her chest which had been there ever since... well, ever since the bullet claimed Tara's life.

_She would've been 23 today._

It had been 5 months since Tara died, and the wound that was left in Willow's heart was healing slower than she sometimes thought she could bear. Right now was one of those times.

_You're still with me, baby. I'm sorry I let you die. I would do anything to bring you back. I would do anything to see you again, baby. Sometimes I wish I was-_

"Hey Will, you in there?"

Buffy's voice interrupted Willow's bleak thoughts. She sighed and turned towards the door.

"Yeah, come in."

Upon entering, Buffy immediately noticed Willow's melancholy expression and paused for a second before speaking.

"Um, I just wanted to tell you that I'll probably be home late tonight, there's some kind of after-school faculty meeting... Will, you okay?" Buffy knew that in reality, she was far from okay. She was still learning to control her powers, still, in part, earning back the trust of her friends, and still grieving the loss of Tara. Just then, she remembered what day it was and her heart sank.

In response to Buffy's inquiry, Willow gave a sad smile that didn't reach her eyes and shook her head, then slowly went over and sat on the edge of her bed. Buffy watched her silently and thought about what she should say. She thought about what people said to her on her mom's birthday after she died.

"She was such a lovely woman, we miss her a lot. You must miss her more, though."

"Can I get you anything? If you need anything just call."

"This must be hard for you."

Nothing that anyone said really helped. The only way to deal with people's constant questions and condolences was to smile and say "thank you", whether you meant it or not.

Right now, Willow didn't need to hear any words. Buffy had done her best to be there for her since she had returned from England, but she knew that today was be one of the hardest days since Tara had died. Right now, she needed someone to be there. Right now, that someone was her.

Buffy went over and sat next to Willow on the bed, silently studying her. Then Willow sighed and looked into Buffy's face. Her eyes were filled with tears. A single drop rolled down her left cheek and her lips trembled. Her voice quavered when she spoke.

"This isn't how it was supposed to be, Buffy." Buffy nodded.

"I know," she replied quietly.

"We were going to be together forever. We had so many plans. But I let her die. How could I-" A sob cut her sentence short. Buffy put an arm behind Willow's back and pulled her into a sideways hug. She rubbed her shoulder gently.

"You can't blame yourself. You know that." Willow sniffed and nodded slightly, taking a deep breath.

"But I could've-"

"Willow, don't."

"It should have been me. Buffy, Tara was so... she was so perfect. She never did anything wrong. I did so many horrible things, to her and to everyone... she didn't deserve to die. I did. And now... I think The First was right. I should just take a razor-" Another sob made her unable to finish. But Buffy knew exactly what she was going to say. She could understand how she felt that way. But damn The First. Willow felt awful enough without outside help.

"You know that isn't the way. It's never the way. I know this hurts, but the only thing that can help is time."

Willow sat back, nodding and trying to get control of her emotions. She tried to brush the tears from her cheeks but they continued to fall, unstoppable.

"I shouldn't... I shouldn't cry on her birthday. She wouldn't want me to be sad, right? I need to be strong, like a... I can't... Buffy? I can't stop, please, tell me to stop." Willow sank to the floor, her body wracked by uncontrollable sobs. Buffy got down on the floor and simply held her as she cried.

Several minutes later, Willow was completely exhausted from crying. She laid down on the floor to catch her breath. Buffy leaned against the bed and looked out the window. The rain was slowing down and the sun was beginning to shine in full force.

"Hey Will... do you want to go to... see her? I'll go with you." Willow pushed herself into a sitting position.

"Yeah, but don't you need to get Dawn to school? And what about your j-"

"She got a ride with Xander, and I'll call Principle Wood. As long as I make it to the meeting later it should be okay."

"You really don't have t-" Buffy gave Willow a mock-stern expression.

"This is one job where I _can _get days off. So I'm going to. I want to do this. I miss her too. I'd rather be here with you, anyway. Okay?" Willow gave a small smile.

"Thanks, Buffy. For everything." Her voice was earnest, and her eyes said that she was thanking her for more than just today. Buffy smiled back.

"No problem, Will." She helped her stand up, and the two of them slowly headed towards the stairs. Willow suddenly stopped.

"Wait a second, there's something I want to bring." She turned around and took the framed photo off her dresser.

"Tara really likes- I think she'd like- I mean, I think she would've..." Willow lip trembled and the tears rose in her eyes again. Buffy smiled encouragingly and took her by the arm.

"You should definitely bring it. It's what she would've wanted." Willow nodded and brushed away the tears that had escaped onto her cheeks. Then they went to the cemetery together. Willow leaned the photo frame against Tara's grave stone, making sure that it was in the center and not too close to the flowers that blossomed in front of it.

Then Buffy and Willow simply stood quietly, looking at the flowers, the grave stone and the photo. Willow looked at Buffy. Buffy noted that she seemed... peaceful.

"You okay?"

Willow shrugged, giving a .

"Well, you know... not "okay" okay, but... yeah, okay."

"That's my Will." The two exchanged a smile. Willow took a few steps towards the grave stone and stroked the letters one more time. Tara Maclay.

"I'll see you later, baby," she whispered, before slowly turning away and walking back to the car with Buffy.


End file.
